Character Revealed

I'm back from a brief sabbatical in Tahoe for the wedding of the most lovely Becky Webster and Aaron Dolberg and return bearing the fantastic news- from my completely biased, nepotistic perspective - of my grandfather's induction into an Ohio sports Hall of Fame. Yours truly was tapped to write the induction text, which I have enclosed here for your eyes only ....

Basketball’s most successful coach, the great John Wooden, professed that “Sports do not build character … they reveal it.” Similarly, football’s most revered leader, the legendary Vince Lombardi, once remarked that his game “is like life, it requires perseverance, self-denial, hard work and sacrifice.”

It is fitting then, that Percy Squire’s accomplishments on the athletic fields of the Mahoning Valley are reflective of the same great character he has demonstrated both as an exemplary family man and as a pillar of the Youngstown community for more than 80 years. Perseverance, hard work, denial and sacrifice … these are the critical, if unglamorous and often undervalued traits required to excel on the hardwood, on the gridiron and on the baseball diamond.

More importantly, these are the same attributes required of a man whose childhood was set against the backdrop of the Great Depression and an era of institutionalized discrimination. These are the same values required of a man who labored inside the hot, fiery belly of a blast furnace for more than 40 years. Most of all, these are the qualities that have defined the life of Percy Montgomery Squire – both inside and outside the lines.

This extraordinary life, remarkable not for its exotic or unusual nature, but for its honest persistent, upright dignity, began on the First of November, 1921 in the tiny hamlet of Garysburg, North Carolina. Two years after the birth of their second child, however, the Squire family departed this Appalachian village for opportunity; opportunity that went by the name of Youngstown, Ohio, the booming steel town Percy would call home for the rest of his life.

The early years of that life were spent on the family’s west side homestead, where Percy was reared under the watchful eye of his mother, Florence, and his father John, and where he played with his older brother John P. and his sister Ethel McMullen, née Squire. Time would soon carry young Percy onto Stambaugh Elementary school, and later to Chayney High, where he lettered in football and basketball, starring at right halfback on the gridiron and at guard on the hardwood.

Immediately after receiving his diploma from Cheney, Percy underwent a rite of passage common to men of the Mahoning Valley at that time – he exchanged his graduation cap for a hardhat at the Carnegie-Illinois plant that would later become known by a more familiar moniker – US Steel. Percy gave 40 years of blood, sweat, tears and toil to the company, turning in his hat only when the company pulled stakes from Youngstown in 1981, while offering him a new job at its Cleveland facility. A Mahoning Valley man to the last, Percy refused the offer, opting instead to spend more time with his family, which by this time included his wife Ruth, whom he married in 1943; two daughters, Florence and Cheryl; one son, Percy; and a quartet of grandchildren: Joy, Troy, Reva and Deidre.

In the years between his first Carnegie-Illinois paycheck and his final blast furnace shift, Percy gave of himself ceaselessly, both to his family and to the community. His was a regular face at Price Memorial A.M.E. Zion Church; he was a stalwart member of McGuffey Center; a volunteer with Hospice; saxophonist with the VFW Marching Band, a member of Youngstown’s Northeast Homeowners’ Association and the East High Boosters’ Association; and a beloved leader and Institutional Representative for the Boy Scouts, Troop 18.

Those civic accomplishments indicate a love of life and an appreciation for the ethos of sacrifice and teamwork that carried over to the Youngstown playing fields where Percy distinguished himself as a stellar performer on numerous softball and baseball teams. Whether he was starring in the Cisco Playground or Double-A softball leagues, claiming the championship of the West Federal Street YMCA Industrial League, taking the field for The Whale Inn, or representing Local 1330 in the Tri-State Softball League, Percy’s feel for the game, fast bat, quicksilver speed and silky fielding allowed him to ably man that most demanding of all positions, shortstop. His skills were so undeniable that even legendary professional franchises came calling on his services.

In 1943, the Birmingham Black Barons, former employer of the incomparable Satchel Paige and future employer of the man often cited as the greatest player in the history of baseball – “Say Hey” Willie Mays - invited Percy to tryout for their team. This was no mediocre squad, as evidenced by the fact that, later that very same year, the Black Barons advanced to the Negro World Series, where they faced the mighty Homestead Grays. Yet, even an illustrious outfit such as this one, stocked with future Hall of Famers, thought it could benefit from the addition of one more special talent.

In characteristic fashion – we are reminded once more of those core values – self-denial, hard work and sacrifice – Percy declined the invitation in order to further his career at the mill and devote himself to his new wife, Ruth Squire, formerly Ruth Gatewood. So, it is entirely appropriate that, on this day, Percy receives his long overdue reward and joins the likes of Mays and Paige by earning entry into the Hall of Fame - not the one in Cooperstown, but the one in Youngstown - the city that shaped the timeless, priceless values that define the man and his legacy.

Bushwacked!

So, I’m attending a wedding in Tahoe this weekend and making my final preparations for the big event, which include a visit to the barbershop for a quick trim. The trip was the source of some anxiety, because after rocking the bald dome for the past seven years, I recently decided to embark on the quixotic mission for the perfect ‘fro, no matter how long it takes.

This decision has sent me on a thankless quest for a “good, reliable” barber. Since I’m growing my hair out, it shouldn’t be too difficult to find an acceptable choice, seeing as all I require is that he clean up the hairline every few weeks – none off the top, mind you. Alas, victory is elusive.

With that in mind, I ventured over to The Fillmore to check out a new place and get cleaned up for the nuptials. After a half-an-hour wait (not bad for a Thursday evening), I was called on by one of the twentysomething barbers and happily settled into the chair. He said he would just be a minute and disappeared into the back room where he remained for about 15. Upon his reemergence, he yapped on his cell phone for another ten minutes or so, periodically telling me he’d be “just one more second”.

He then went outside to engage in a pathetically obvious drug buy. Very sloppy. I’m not objecting, but at least keep it clean, boys. A little discretion is warranted here. So, my man gets the goods, tells me to “hold on for one more minute” and heads into the back room to blaze. He returns in a cloud and finally gets down to business after another (blissfully) brief phone call.

At this point, I’ve been in the chair around 40 minutes and the shop is about ready to close. Still, I’m cautiously optimistic. I figure the kid just got his puff on, he’s in the zone and he’ll take his time to do it up lovely. So, I tell him, “I just want you to line it up. I’m growing my hair out, so don’t take anything off the top, just edge it up and make it clean.” Pretty straightforward.

So, after just a few minutes I feel him going up in the hair line and when I ask what he’s doing, he tells me he wants to taper it just a bit to make it look better, adding “Don’t worry, I know it feels like I’m taking a lot off, but I’m not.” Deprived of my glasses and reduced to blind-as-a-bat vision, I can’t verify this without causing a major production, so I give myself over to the Lord.

Who abandons me.

When the bushwhacking is finished and I’m presented with the mirror, its apparent the kind bud did not help his creative juices. My budding ’fro is gone – butchered beyond repair. I look like the off-brand version of Ron DeVoe, circa 1987.

This, just a day before I’m reunited with friends I haven’t seen in years. The hack job is so bad, I can’t even play it off like I’m going for the retro look. It’s criminal and I feel like I should be able to file some sort of professional malpractice suit.

Would anyone object to the creation of a governing board for hair stylists - sort of a Supreme Court, Star Chamber-type committee that could banish the worst offenders to the nether regions of the universe? These are the type of improvements in our everyday lives that politicians should be working toward to keep the public some recourse when they’ve been wronged. Instead, it’s off to find a hat store. Anyone know of one on the road up to Tahoe?

SnooperBowl

Man, to be young again. I know if was playing youth football and Snoop tapped me for his squad, I'd be down with the clown.

Money quote: “The rapper and sometime actor also made personal phone calls to draw in top talent, and last year his Rowland Raiders went undefeated en route to a league championship.”

Can you imagine picking up the phone and getting a personal pitch from the D-O-Double-G asking you to join his team? Oh, and did I forget to mention custom-made Tiffany trophies? For shizzle, my nizzle.

I'll Be Home By 9:00 - I Promise!

This is why you ask Mom to borrow the getaway car before you break-and-enter:

So, This Is What The Gold Rush Is Reduced To?

I’m sure there are more nuanced economic readings of this story, but when 11, 000 people apply for 400 jobs at Wal-Mart, it’s probably not a great sign for the economy.

Relevant quote: "It's not about Wal-Mart -- it's about the rest of the labor market," Levy said. "If the rest of the labor market was strong, you wouldn't have 11, 000 people applying for 400 jobs."

Wal-Mart is the outfit that, perhaps more than any other American corporation at the moment, is condemned for providing low wages and meager benefits. Yet, people are beating down the doors like they’re giving away free Cabbage Patch Kids.

To be fair, a $10.82 average wage – “average” not always being the best measure in these kind of studies - is not too shabby for retail. That works out to $1,731.2 a month which should, you know, allow you to rent an apartment, pay a car note and maybe keep the light on in Alameda County. What you were hoping for more?

“Woooooo Pig! Sooey!

For all those who like to gnash their teeth, pull their hair and lament over America’s cultural inferiority, we humbly recommend this item.

I suggest we get a team of rabid Razorback fans together and fly them over to southern France for a pig-calling clash of the titans. It’ll be like Rocky V. Drago - except with pork rinds served ringside. Ok, that’s wishful thinking. Maybe a nice Bordeaux – and pork rinds.

A Small Price to Pay for History

… but then again, $182,000 buys a LOT of Jameson’s

Don't Fear the Reaper

Uninspired by the presumed candidates for president in 2008? “More Cowbell” may provide just the inspiration a beleaguered nation needs to emerge from the doldrums.

An elaborate hoax, naturally, but it begs the question. Is Walken more “presidential” then John Cusack? WhiskeyRebllion says yes! (He just has more gravitas.)

Jimmy Conway woulda wacked somebody for this ...

All right, so this is exactly what you DON'T do after you successfully pull off one of the biggest bank heists in history. Sheeesh, didn't these guys ever watch Goodfellas?

Spread the Love

The aftermath of this fiasco must have made the triple bypass seem like a day at the beach. One bypass for each wife - coincidence? On the bright side, the fine was only the equivalent of $126. I paid $115 for a jaywalking ticket once, so I think he got off pretty cheap there.

In fairness, though, there were probably late fees added on to the fine because the check was late. I thought I could get away without paying being that I don’t have a car and it wasn’t really a moving violation, well, I was moving, but you know what I mean – not in a vehicle. The court was not persuaded evidently, because they threatened to suspend my license. I still remember that when the officer wrote the ticket, on the line where you indicate the speed the offender was traveling, he put 4 MPH. And people say cops don't care about their jobs.

Honey, I'm Sooooo Sorrry

And if you can't hack the marriage until you're 104, there's always this option:

Shut up, Harold! There's Nothing Good About Getting Old!

I like how the husband in this story spouts the typical platitudes about love, hope commitment and devotion that one expects from an old – extremely old – couple when explaining how they have survived for so long.

Then his wife chips in with the “Life is Hell” sentiment. Way to tell it like it is, grandma. That reminds me of how, when we were twenty or so, my good friend Christian (C.D. Manders) used to comment on how we couldn’t wait until he aged so he could say whatever he wanted and wear loud-ass plaid pants and no one could do anything about it because he was so old. There’s not much to embrace about aging, but being resolved of the obligation to match and make sense when you talk is some consolation.

Hey, Will You Let Go of the Controller Already?

OK, so this qualifies as an ignoble death. But the question is, did he make it to Level 35 and unlock the code of invincibility?

Barbara at the Bat

Not that making fun of old ladies is cool or anything, but Whiskey Rebellion will entertain a chivalry break in order to bring you our Photo-of-the-Day (scroll down to the main pic) Note: this is what happens when you bean the opposing batter. And he’s big. And he voted for Kerry. Or his brother was Willie Horton.

Tired of all that Inspirational Crap?

Did you feel like the movie Office Space was written for you, specifically? Are you tired of the trite, motivational posters adorning conference room walls? Does the rah-rah speech and slap on the back from your boss feel like an ice pick through your shoulder blades? Well, then, we have just the site for you.

The above link comes courtesy of the one-and-only Mr. C.D. Manders. Say hello if you’re ever in the ’Burgh.

"So, Who Are You Voting For?"

The other night at Kate O’Brien’s, a brief argument - inspired by political fervor, sociological inquiry, copious amounts of Jameson’s and the odd mind eraser - broke out over black Republicans: who are they, how many are there, what is the nature of their motivations, etc.

Predictably, the discussion degenerated into a shouting match, a series of off-color jokes and another round of shots, but as I stared up at the ceiling the next morning, replaying the previous night’s events and bemoaning my throbbing head, I gave the subject some more reflection. In the process I recalled that while growing up I only knew two non-born again black Republicans - although that's not something people admit to readily, so who knows what goes on after they enter the voting booth.

An amusing story from my long-lost youth in Pittsburgh illustrates that point. When I was maybe 13 or so, I attended a national high school all-star basketball game at the Pittsburgh Civic Arena (check out Neil Diamond on August 26^th) with my Aunt and Uncle and their son, who was probably about 9 years old. These weren't blood relatives, but close family friends who had earned the honor of the title.

So, we get to the game and settle into our seats which happen to be in front of two men who are what we know in Pittsburgh as "yinzers". They are wasted, but friendly, and my cousin, being young and not yet fully invested with the reflexive fear/distrust of poor white people makes fast friends with them. The good ole boys are yukkin’ it up, having a grand old time with the Cosby kid.

Then, at one point they ask my cousin "who are you voting for?" - a Pittsburgh way of saying "who are you rooting for?" Cous, not being fully versed in the local dialect, misinterprets the question and proudly and immediately responds "Bush! Go Bush! Bush, Bush, Bush!" I cast a sideways glance and see my Aunt and Uncle's faces absolutely stricken with terror as they realize it's now obvious to me they have been indoctrinating their son with traitorous, house nigger Republican doctrine - a development that could, conceivably, make itself known to the entire black community of Pittsburgh.

I, of course, saw only humor in the situation – particularly the look of abject horror on my relative’s faces over a child’s innocent remark – about a basic right – the right to cast your vote for whomever you see fit. But I’ll always remember how they reacted as if a family scandal had been let loose into the open; the incident really underscored the stigma attached to voting Republican. Sometimes, no matter how much you strive for objective analysis, the most evocative moments remain the anecdotal ones.

No Free Trade for You

When CNOOC, the Chinese oil giant - under heavy pressure from the US Government - recently withdrew its takeover bid for the American oil firm Unocal, it was simply the latest in a series of events inspired by hysteria over the rising yellow menace. While the Bush administration can, in most cases, be counted upon to reliably bang the drum of free trade, the threat of a largely state-owned corporation – fueled by the Chinese economic juggernaut – derailed its stated commitment to a relatively unrestrained global economy. And this, in the same week where the US House of Representatives approved the Central American Free Trade Agreement (CAFTA) despite the strenuous objections of many Americans, labor unions and protectionist politicians of all stripes.

Of course, those who opposed CNOOC’s takeover bid would argue that Guatemalan banana farmers offer little threat to America’s national security, something that cannot be said of the Chinese government, which owns 70 percent of CNOOC. This reasoning conveniently ignores the fact that China’s rise as an economic power and a more prosperous society is based largely on the increased export of goods to the West – especially to the United States - and the resulting increase in purchasing power that this has created for the Chinese, or at least for those Chinese living in the country’s major, thriving economic centers. For better or worse, the two economies are too intertwined to ever seriously broach the thought of war, no matter how much diplomatic posturing and chest-thumping they may undertake. Even if I hate my next-door neighbor’s guts, I’m not going to firebomb his house, if only out of concern for my own.

Nevertheless, a lot of otherwise reasonable people are trying to cast China as the new USSR. Yet, what the rhetoric on both sides – American and Chinese – disguises is the fact that the US and China are bound in a way that the US and the Soviet Union never were – or could have been - under their respective economic systems. So, to suggest that the Sino-American relationship will follow a similarly Manichean path is misguided and ignores the realities of the global economy.

It’s often said, erroneously, that no two democracies have ever gone to war. In fact, numerous democracies, unless you take an extremely narrow and until fairly recently – unrealized - view of the term have gone to war. This is true because the relationship that precludes warfare between two countries is not the nature of their political structures, but the relationship of their economic interests.

I am reminded here of the McDonald’s Peace Formula, which holds that no two countries with a McDonalds have ever gone to war. Perhaps that’s because they’re too bloated to get up off the couch and pick up a machine gun, but I tend to think it’s because wealthy nations don’t like to threaten their prosperity by lobbing grenades at countries that buy their products and line their pockets. Military conflict between the US and China is most certainly not in anyone’s economic interests. Well, maybe the EU’s, but that’s a topic for another day.

Moreover, with particular respect to the CNOOC’s proposed $18.5 billion acquisition, even the economic implications were relatively insignificant. Oil is a valuable resource, to be sure, but Unocal accounts for less than 1 percent of global oil production, well below the typical threshold the government uses for anti-competition review. Condemnation of the CNOOC takeover bid is at best myopic and at worst hypocritical. In any case, it is not the type of incident that builds credibility when the US preaches the gospel of free trade around the globe. It does, however, suggest a new mantra: “Free Trade – but Only for the Free”. That has a nice, Rovian ring to it.

Is That Drakkar Noir?

The Wall Street Journal (subscription required) ran a piece today on security in American shopping malls, which government experts view as plum targets for future terrorist attacks. The upshot of the story is that while the department has issued a slew of stringent security recommendations, mall security firms seem to be opting for easier-to-implement and more subjective enforcement techniques.

As the article notes, the government advised mall security agents to pay special attention to their olfactory sense as would-be bombers often "anoint themselves with perfume, fragrant soap or rosewater in preparation for what they believe will be their martyrdom."

So do a lot of 16-year old boys trying to get a date for the prom. Still, just to be on the safe-side, I’d post a guard and bomb-sniffing dog outside of Perfumania.

British Bulldogs

Whiskey Rebellion returns, a little worse for wear, from a two-day hiatus courtesy of Seamie’s birthday celebration and the associated recovery/hair-of –the-dog day. Special thanks to the staff at Swig and Kate O'Brien's for their stellar work this week. Stars, all of you.

It occurred to me after the first London bombing that the terrorists had seriously miscalculated in their choice of targets. Subsequent developments have only served to reinforce that belief.

I am about to engage in the dodgy – and admittedly imprecise – practice of generalizing about national character, but I think that history shows you cannot cow or intimidate Anglo-Saxon or Celtic people into backing down on matters like this. The English have a long history of resolve in foreign affairs, violent and otherwise, that indicates they will not knuckle under. You can shame them into concessions (a la Gandhi), but you can't bully them.

That may work with some other countries, perhaps Spain or France or Italy. This is not a slight against them, just an acknowledgement that in Europe, Latin countries tend to be more pragmatic about this sort of thing and will give up the ghost when it no longer seems practical or productive to fight. For whatever reason, England just isn't wired that way. At times this British Bulldog mentality can be maddening (see: N. Ireland). But right now, just as in World War II, it is a source of great comfort.

Droppings ...

Some scattered thoughts while taking solace in the fact the liver regenerates every 300 to 500 days.

* When John Bolton presented his credentials at the UN, did his CV include the line “was not approved by the United States Congress”?

* If this little dispatch from Colombia is correct in its assessment, I think there will soon be some extremely overworked indepepndent contractors in San Francisco.

*So, not to appear materialistic or anything, but when this happens, do you get reimbursed for the value of your carry-on bags?

* Just in case you haven’t gotten your dose of hypochondria today, here’s a report on the “next AIDS epidemic” of the week. Of course, if this does turn out to be even one-tenth as devastating as AIDS in a few years, this post never existed. I repeat, never existed.

Anyway, I’m not going to summarize the article on “Metabolic Syndrome” because it’s so blatantly alarmist, but it does – inadvertently – raise one interesting point in the following paragraph:

“One of the most alarming results in this study is how many non-smoking teens are being exposed to second-hand smoke. He (Michael Weitzman, M.D professor and associate chair at the University of Rochester School of Medicine) says a shocking 66 percent of teens in the study have a measurable amount of cotinine, a biochemical remnant of the breakdown of nicotine in the liver. Presence of cotinine in the blood indicates exposure to secondhand smoke.”

Is anyone else “shocked by” the things that scientists are “shocked by” when they perform these studies? I know you spend a lot of time in the lab doc, but really, “shocked” that 66 percent of teens have exposure to secondhand smoke? In other news, the American people were “shocked” to learn that 66 percent of scientists don’t get out much. Then again, I’m typing this from a bar which places me pretty high on the dork-out scale, so the glass house rule probably applies here.

* Lastly, just in case you ever wondered what might happen if, instead of immediately deleting those Nigerian investment emails, you kicked the tires a little bit ’cause, you know, it wouldn’t hurt to take a look:

"In the course of a rare crackdown on Nigerian "419"/"advance-fee" scams, a Nigerian court in July sentenced a woman to 30 months in jail, plus fines, in a case in which the victim was not a gullible, e-mail-reading American, but a bank. Brazil's Banco Noroeste S.A. was apparently suckered into advancing money for a nonexistent new airport in the Nigerian capital of Abuja, which ultimately cost it $242 million (much of which it later recovered)." [Reuters, 7-16-05]

Baby's Got Back

I do a piss-poor job keeping up with the latest TV developments, so this may be a stale item, but … A rare peek inside the tube this weekend served to further fray whatever illusions of youth and cultural relevance I am trying so desperately to maintain. During a break between one of the 357 DVDs I watched on Saturday, I flipped idly through the Craigslist housing classifieds while waiting for my girlfriend to return from the jacks so we could start the next movie. With the TV on in the background, I perused listing after listing of $1,400 apartments that advertise “closets” as if they were some kind of rare perk. Like “hot tubs” or “in-ground pool.”

Before I could become fully absorbed in the search, my attention was grabbed by the unmistakable, driving beat of “Baby’s Got Back” bursting forth from the speakers. I glanced up from the screen in hopes of catching the welcome sight of “one of those rap guys’ girlfriends” workin’ it out something furious to Sir Mix-a- Lot’s signature song. Instead, I was confronted with the unsettling vision of rugrats with knapsacks bopping around to the reconfigured tune, now known as “Baby I’m Back" (at School). And this, only a week after seeing the Woodsman.

Needless to say, I’m still recovering. Is this how baby boomers felt when Nike used “Revolution” in one of its ads? This kind of blatant bait-and-switch cannot be tolerated. I’ll never be able to hear that song again without feeling compromised. To top it off, Mix-a-Lot even contributes alternative lyrics for the Le Targaay Remix.

A choice example:

“We like backpacks and we cannot lie. With a cellphone pocket on the side. Those old backpacks were a fashion risk, but can a cool backpack exist? Check this: tricked out with the flyest look and I’m holding way more than books, baby I’m back. At school, that is.”

I know a brother’s gotta make a living, but sheeesh … Anyway, I couldn't link directly to a place on the Web where the uninitiated can watch the commerical, but pasting this link http://www.dhadm.com/mediaHolder.php?id=2 in your browser might work.

Digable Planets

So, astronomers have discovered another planet in the solar system and gained more fuel for the movement to demote Pluto from planet to really, really, big asteroid. School kids of America can breathe easy – it seems that Uranus is still safe. Still, it’s kind of disheartening to know that some of the bedrock truths of childhood education – there are nine planets in the solar system, etc. – are already starting to unravel. It was bound to happen, but I was hoping it would be at least another hundred years or so before we started seeming like charter members of the Flat Earth Society.

But bacon tastes good ...

Not that anyone asked, but you know it was a long night of drinking when, at the office the next day, you reach into your backpack for a notebook only to discover a bag of pork rinds. And you can’t remember how they got there. On the bright side, pork rinds make for a welcome surprise and an excellent snack at 2 PM The Day After.

Of course, the above scenario also presents the dilemma of whether or not it’s appropriate to eat pork rinds at your desk. Potato chips are legit, I think, but somehow fried fat products seem to be pushing the envelope of propriety. I can’t deny that I felt a little bit sheepish when the CEO strolled past my desk, which was littered with rinds. Fortunately, I hadn’t opened that little packet of hot sauce that Snak King so thoughtfully includes in their El Sabroso “pork cracklins” (I did that later). Anyway, if you recall the watermelon scene in Invisible Man, then you have a pretty good idea how I felt.

* While we’re on the topic of food: I love sourdough, but it is legal to make sandwiches with other types of bread. I just wanted to clear up the confusion for Bay Area deli owners.

And to think I meant to write something serious today. I feel shallow, but it's nothing a protracted conversation with my friend Mr. Jameson won't cure. In any event, someone out there in the wilds of cyberspace thinks we're worthwhile here at Whiskey Rebellion. We just received our first link from the esteemed Clareified blog. Must go; I'm all weepy now.

Who Says You Can't Go Home Again?

A couple days ago, the NY Times ran this piece on how black Americans are increasingly using advances in DNA testing to trace family lineages all the way back to Africa where specific regions and tribes of origin – to an extent - can be identified. The technique is far from refined at this point, but apparently it beats the hell out of spending twelve years of your life in musty library stacks reviewing plantation records and ship manifests, or wandering through the wilds of Africa in search of people “who kinda look like you.” Now, for the price of a couple hundred dollars, and a slight loss of tissue between your cheek and gum, you can establish a connection to the motherland.

In typically earnest NY Times fashion, the article details the benefits and limitations of the procedure, as well as the fairly predictable feelings it inspires in its participants: pride and relief at filling in the missing piece of their heritage, anger and remorse over the treatment of their ancestors, and so on. Out of all this, the most interesting anecdote, to my way of thinking, is the following:

“One African-American, upon confirming a match with a white man whose ancestors had owned his, told him he owed reparations and could start by paying for the test, said Bennett Greenspan, chief executive of Family Tree DNA, which offers tests for $129 and up.”

I can only imagine what the reaction was when the man answered the phone and the guy at the other end told him he owed reparations. But the fact that he added, “you can start by paying for the test” is priceless. Man (reaching for checkbook) “Of course. Will that be 129 bucks in 1855 dollars or 129 bucks in 2005 dollars? Oh, and by any chance do you accept Confederate money?”

I say screw the $129 bucks for DNA testing. Tonight I’m going to scan the white pages for anyone with the last name “Flint” and ring the number:

Me: “Hello, is this the Flint residence”?

Them: (with reticence): “Um, yes, it is.”

Me: “Are you white?”

Them: “What!?”

Me: “Sir, are you white, by any chance?”

Them: “Yes, I’m white!”

Me: “You owe me reparations and you can start by paying for this phone call.”

With 140 years of interest, I should be living high on the hog. I wonder what 40 acres and a mule goes for in San Francisco these days.

Doctor Hannibal Goes to Hanover

An enterprising young business student at Dartmouth has introduced a health food offering for the cannibalistically inclined. Human flavored tofu – hufu - doesn’t sound especially appetizing, but it is fat free and just 100 calories per serving. So it’s got that going for it.

Tough to know if hufu lives up to its billing, though. Friend of the Blog (FOB) Kameron suggests the only way to tell if the stuff is legit is to feed it to carnivorous animals and see if they devour it like an 8-piece of Popeye’s chicken. Maybe, but human-flavored or not, it’s still tofu. And I’m not sure we want to train captive animals to appreciate the taste of human flesh any more than they already do.

The hidden gem of this story is the celebrity angle, which may be apocryphal, but since it’s in my interest to believe it’s true, I’ll present it as fact. Besides, if you can’t trust America’s oldest college newspaper - not to be confused with America' Oldest College Daily - whom can you trust? As they wrote about inventor Mark Nuckols:

“He also claims that the name "hufu" was actually coined by actress and model Milla Jovovich. Several years ago, a business associate was discussing Nuckols' idea, then called "hofu," with a friend on a Eurostar train going from London to Paris. Jovovich, intrigued, allegedly turned around to join in the conversation, commenting, "'Hofu' sounds like 'c*ck' -- you should call it 'hufu.'"

"As far as I can speculate, she meant 'ho food,'" Nuckols said. "She's a supermodel -- she doesn't have to make sense."

Apparently Jovovich’s publicist did not respond to requests for comment.

Spaced Out Travels

I’m not exactly sure why, but I’ve come to realize that I find the space shuttle vaguely depressing. Perhaps its because it reminds me of the years when I would watch each take-off breathlessly, back when each launch seemed so improbable, yet full of possibility. Now that I’m old(er) and jaded, the only feeling I get is relief when one doesn’t blow up.

People are a hard group to satisfy; even sending something into orbit can seem old hat after a while. And you wonder why so many couples get divorced. That said, it is still a bit of a marvel that the behemoth gets off the ground, malfunctions and all. Like when Discovery took off this morning with its tailpipe dragging. http://www.timesonline.co.uk/article/0,,3-1709928,00.html

Can you imagine? I mean, drivers go batshit when a piece of their bumper falls off. Wonder what it feels like to be trailing debris from the fuel tank as you hurtle into space. The closest I ever came is when I was winding through the mountains of Western Virginia on the way to a country wedding with my friends Kameron and Chinh.

Kam was behind the wheel as we approached one particularly sharp curve. As he accelerated into the turn he asked - rhetorically – “Do you think I can make it?” Uhh, no. Not that we had a chance to respond as he took out a sign and rolled the car over an embankment, down a hill and onto a golf course.

Apollo 13 material it isn’t, but the thought of dying on the way to your friends’ wedding tends to get the blood rushing. Anyway, when the car came to a stop, part of the front end was stripped bare, revealing the innards and a steady stream of fluid that was watering the green. We made the wedding, though. And the car was insured. Who insures the space shuttle?

Flowers for Atkins

Jury selection began today in the trial of Daryl Atkins, a man twice convicted of a 1996 homicide. Atkins’ life has been spared to date because of the conclusion that he is retarded and his execution would therefore be unconstitutional. That conclusion will be revisited during the course of the trial, and if reversed, will result in Atkins’ death.

The BBC has a quick primer here:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/americas/4716225.stm

What really caught my attention was the following excerpt:

“Virginia requires an inmate to have had an IQ of 70 or less, combined with poor social skills by the age of 18. "

“Atkins, 27, was not tested as a youth but he scored 59 in 1998, and 76 more recently.”

The case, while interesting for its bearing on capital punishment in general and the 8^th Amendment prohibition against cruel and unusual punishment in particular, also raises two questions:

1. Are they running some kind of “Flowers for Algernon” experiment in the Commonwealth of Virginia penal system? http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Flowers_For_Algernon

2. If so, can they introduce the program to the public school system?

17 points of IQ gained in a handful of years is nothing to sneeze at. When Atkins gets out of jail in 2180, he should be able to head up some kind of D.C. think tank. Or at least attend grad school with the woman from Vegas. (see previous item, below)

I certainly don’t have the scientific credentials to weigh in confidently on the whole “IQ – Bogus or not Bogus?” pissing match, but stories like this don’t exactly do a lot for its credibility. They do, however ease the pain of that 68 I scored on my seventh grade IQ exam.

Thank God I took Berlitz

"Umm...well, I couldn't really understand what the announcement said because I'm American and I don't, you know, speak English, but I did pick out the word 'Emergency.'

-Las Vegas graduate student studying in London, in response to a reporter asking her what she thought when she had to evacuate the Underground after Thursday's bomb scare.

The little gem was brought to my attention - inadvertently - by a former confederate from long, long ago in a galaxy far, far away. Her work can be found here: http://clarified.blogspot.com/ Anyway,
the orignal poster of this quote was moved to ask: "Is it too late to administer IQ tests for passports?"

Sadly, yes. But it's also worth pointing out that the woman in question is not only a student, but a GRADUATE student, as well. I will assume she is not concentrating in Comparative Literature. In any event, perhaps the proper question is not whether IQ tests should accompany the issuance of a passport, but whether they should accompany admission to Master's/ PhD. programs. A small bit of consolation, from a strictly jingoistic standpoint, can be found in the fact that the woman is now studying abroad. That is, unless you consider the public relations angle.

One Man = 56

When I read the accounts of the British police killing the suspected terrorist in the tube this morning, it started me thinking about the differences in national character and how informative they are about the nature of the societies in question.

Specifically, I was reflecting on how ill-equipped the United States is to deal with tragedy on a large scale, because apart from the Civil War, the country has never really known it. So, when an admittedly tragic incident like 9/11 occurs, the reaction - and overreaction - occurs on an almost comic scale. Yet, in contrast, Americans can blithely dismiss or ignore altogether the minor tragedies that populate everyday life. A homicide or two a day in a particular city is barely worth mentioning.

Conversely, the British react to major conflict in a decidely more muted manner. To be sure, part of that is an affectation stemming from the desire to live up to the national reputation for stoicism and reserve, but part of it is genuine as well. That's why it's so interesting to observe the uproar over the shooting of a man in a subway station. In the UK, this incident seems to have generated nearly as much conflict and discussion, on an intellectual and policy level, as the bombing of 50-some odd Britains earlier this month. The opposite would be true in the US. Flags would still be flying at half-mast here on account of the bombing and the shooting of the suspect would be an afterthought - if that.

I've always believed that America is an "event" country, a place where major ocurrences obscure notice of the everyday to an extent not matched by other nations. Perhaps it's because the ethos and image of the country is rooted in advancement and achievement. Progress is viewed in measurable benchmarks - events - that demonstrate your acclimation to and success in the American experiment. As a result, on a social level it is only the headline worthy incidents that are seen as worthy of public concern and attention.

The inability to see how the everyday impacts the big picture seems to be a particularly American trait. Strivers often fail to notice how the accumulation of small things shapes the whole, until, at the end of the road, they look back with chagrin. There is something to be learned from the English obsession over a lone man.

Bill "Big Game" Cowher

On Tuesday, a fellow Steelers fan wrote me seeking analysis ofSunday's game in general and, in particular, the role that Bill Cowher'scoaching played in the defeat. I didn't respond immediately because I was still nursing an emotional hangover from the loss. Now that I have recovered somewhat from the initial trauma, I feel the need to vent to someone outside the welcoming, but sometimes incestuous confines of Steeler Nation.

The first and most relevant point that needs to be made in light of Sunday’s four-turnover fiasco is that the Steelers fell to a superior team. Losing to the team of the, what should we call it - the aughts? – is no disgrace. (Sidenote: when I finished my junior year of college, the Class of 2000 was scheduled to enter in the fall, sparking a debate about how the school would refer to the incoming classes for the next decade. The college, being a hoary, private northeastern institution decided on “The Class of Aught”, as in “Aught One, Aught Two”, “or back in the Aughts low-rise jeans and Maroon 5 were all the rage.” Picture that on the introduction to the Sports Illustrated commemorative video, - “SI presents the New England Patriots, the National Football League’s Team of the Aughts.”)

In any event, while Sunday’s result was not surprising, it continued a disturbing pattern that has tainted the legacy of Bill “Big Game” Cowher. It’s not merely the losses in the AFC Championship Game that have besmirched his reputation; it’s the manner of the losses and the play-not-to-lose ethos that has characterized them. All this goes to underscore my primary gripe about Cowher's playoff philosophy: namely that he has none. He approaches the playoffs exactly the same way he approaches a regular season game, at leastfrom a strategic standpoint. This is despite the fact that everyone recognizes that game planning is more thorough and the intensitylevel higher in the postseason. If you're a conservative team like the Steelers that plays with little margin for error and often ekes out victories over non-playoff teams throughout the season, doesn't it stand to reason that during the playoffs, against better competition,with stronger gameplans and greater intensity, that your margin for error will shrink to nothing unless you do something unexpected?

Cowher has really only diverged from his buttoned-down postseason strategy in one game: the 1995/96 Super Bowl, his best coaching job in my opinion. Recognizing that the Cowboys had a more talented team, Cowher made a number of aggressive calls, including, but not limited to, an onside kick in the first half. That type of inspiration is rarely evident in his playoff performances. Perhaps the only other time he didn't play it safe was when he unleashed Tommy “Gun” Maddox on the Browns and Titans in 2002. That move was made more out of necessity than anything, but it allowed them to rally from about a million points down against Cleveland and half-a-million down before falling just short against a superior Tennessee squad. You would think he would take some cues from that. But no, it's more of the same turtle mentality that produced an AFC championship game loss tothe worst Super Bowl team of all time (the '94 Chargers), a near miss against what was almost the second-worst Super Bowl team of all time ('95 Colts), still another home field conference championship loss tothe Pats in 2001, and innumerable other playoff stumbles.

As for Sunday, I thought Cowher was outcoached, but given the way Roethlisberger was playing, I don't know if it mattered. He admitted yesterday that he hit the wall and lacked arm strength during the latter portion of the season. Good to know. There's no way Cowher would have pulled Roethlisberger (and I might not have either in his position), but once the Steelers dug themselves a deep hole and it was obvious they needed a gunslinger to rally the team with the passing attack, Maddox was the more logical option. He's high risk/high reward, but that's exactly what the situation called for; expecting a rookie quarterback with a dead arm who has thrived on managing the game to suddenly win it by tossing the ball all over the lot is asking a bit much. At the very least, they could have helped the kid by throwing on first down more instead of putting him into obvious pass situations on third down. I know the idea is to rely on the running game to ease the pressure on the rookie. The problem is, when the running game stalls, the pressure is magnified under that philosophy because he's only throwing when the defense is prepared, so he struggles, his confidence wanes and the entire offense bogs down. It's not like we haven't seen this play out before.

I also objected to kicking the field goal on fourth-and-two. Leaving four points on the table and the gap at 11 pretty much guarantees you'll need three scoring drives to tie or win the game. That's unless you think you're going to hold the Patriots scoreless for the remainder of the third and the whole of the fourth quarter, and nothing that occurred previously had suggested that would happen. Besides, even if you make the wrongheaded assumption that you'll shut the Patriots out for the final 17 minutes of the ball game, you'll still need a field goal, touchdown and a two-point conversion to tie. So, if you don't think you can pick up fourth and two or three yards -whatever it was - how can you expect to pick up the two point conversion to tie the game with everything on the line? It makes no sense.

Still, what I objected to more than the decision to kick the field goal was the playcalling that forced the decision. Granted, Burress should have caught the touchdown pass on second down, but I can't believe that play is your best option with the season very likely hanging in the balance. Even if you don't get in the end zone there, you need to run a play that's likely to produce positive yards so running the ball on third and fourth down is an option. Cowher/Whisenhunt may have shied away from the run because Bettis was stuffed on that fourth-and-one early in the game, but it's not against the law to involve Hines or Randle El near the goal line.

I've hated that jump ball play for a long time because it's an all-or-nothing gamble. Near the goal line I prefer calls that give the athlete a couple opportunities to make a play (witness the widereceiver screen the Patriots scored on when Hope fell down. Call a roll out, a shovel pass, anything that presents multiple options. Even if the defense has the play sniffed out, it can be salvaged with one good individual move.

I like Cowher as a coach overall, but someone has to take him aside and address his timid approach to playoff football. There’s a reason the Steelers thrive in years when little is expected of them. It’s because Cowher knows he has to take chances coming off a 6-10 season and he catches teams by surprise. But then, as the Steelers build momentum during the regular season, the stakes rise and Cowher becomes risk averse. By the AFC Championship Game, he is unwilling to take chances and the other franchises have had 17 games to devise a blueprint on how to stop the Steelers. The result is defeat. Since the Steelers won 16 games this year, expect Cowher to play it close to the vest next season even though other teams will have adapted to a degree and the schedule will be more difficult. Maybe I should consider myself lucky to be venting about another AFC Championship Game loss. Next year, I may not be so fortunate.